you don't need to know what i do all day.

Today's one of those days. One of those stupid fucking days where there is so much drama going on from all sides, it's almost unbearable. Relationships are shitty for almost everyone I've talked to, and not a whole ton is working out.

I had that talk with Beau today. Long story short he apologized and cried a bunch, which made me cry a lot too. Apparently he misses me and (still) thinks about me everyday, which is why he wanted to meet up with me in the first place. He wants to have me in his life, and he wants us to be friends - which I said no to. I don't want him in my life, I don't need him, and I know that he's only going to hold me back. Just the same, it was a painful experience. It's hard seeing someone that you love (or should I say, used to love) and look them in the eye after they hurt you so badly. The stupid part of me that always pulls me back to him was pulling hard today, and it was hard to stay away. He has some kind of a hold on me that I don't understand. Manipulation is a terrible thing.

I also asked him if he was in love with Alaina, and he said yes.He hasn't told her yet, but he's pretty sure that she knows. That made me almost cry more, too, even though it was something I already knew.


This is what I look like right now! Oh how pretty!
(I love spending my afternoon's in tears.)


More than ever, I need to get out of this city. I need a fucking break.

songs of the moment:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsnNDtO6inw
Vagabond - Wolfmother
This is my favorite part of (500) Days of Summer, and it's also one of my favorite songs. Period.

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqMgUI7XQ3k
Paper Gangsta - Lady Gaga
I love gaga, I'm not going to lie to any of you.

3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssdgFoHLwnk
Skinny Love - Bon Iver
If you ever wanna cry, this is the song to do it to. It makes me think of failed love, which is kind of, oh um, the story of my life right now.
(this song pretty prefectly describes how I feel about Beau, actually)

4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCwgLf1EkSU
Hell - Tegan and Sara
Cause a little bit of T+S goes a long way.

i need love.

a la la la la!

Qu'est-ce-que se passent dans ma vie au moment? (note to self: that took far too long to type out - must practice my french)
Nothing nothing nothing nothing!

Well, I was in a hair show for Raina's final exam last night, which was fun times. I sat in a chair for a lot of hours, but got my hair and makeup done for free! Then we went to her boyfriend's apartment to get drunk, and, HOLY SHIT..NICEST PLACE EVER. It actually blew my mind more than anything else from last night did. I want to be 27, have my own company, and own a $15,000 bathtub in an apartment on Pacific and Georgia, and think nothing of it. Sheesh.

But um, I'm kind of bored with my life. I feel like I'm kind of at a stand-still right now, and I don't like it. I want to move out, but I want to Au-Pair. I want to make more money, but I can't apply for another job until the Olympics are over (when there will be no jobs). I want to get the fuck out, but I need a passport to do that. I want to go to school, but now I'm re-thinking my options (apparently BCIT has a really good program, too).

I want so many things, its hard to concentrate on just one.

hey, realization!

Boys are stupid! Who needs them?! Not I, thats for sure.

Seriously, I give up with this whole finding a boy thing. I mean, in the whole "me trying and putting myself out there and failing miserably thing" - pretty much done with that.

Instead, I'll keep checking the "I Saw You" ads in the Georgia Straight in hopes that some random on the street thought I was cute. (and also be super happy for all the people who actually ARE on the website, like Simon! ( http://straight.com/isawyou/ad/vancouver/granville-island-leather-jacket )


Sigh!

In other news, I'm actually good at this whole floristry thing, and that makes me super happy!

juicy pants

I was downtown today, going present shopping for my Mum (she's turning 50 tomorrow - what the fuck!), and a guy stopped me on the street. He was tall and cute, and tolerably hipster, and he asked me where the nearest bars were. (lol we were on Granville and Robson...dummy!)
Long story short, he basically asked me out for a drink, and I was so flustered because I had to rush home, that I didn't even realize what he was doing! I'm so stuuuuupid!
It's especially stupid because I've been on a secret search for new boys, and I had a legitimate thing which stopped me from fulfilling it.


I'm a dink.

ugh

I had all this fucking faith.
And all this stupid hope.

I don't really understand what I did wrong, or how the fuck this happened, or what the fuck he was told.
But I'm really confused and unhappy right now.
I think I at least deserve an explanation.

gotta reach my telephone!

Things are continuing to get better!

1) I applied for school today! Yeah, it wasn't Cap to start my event planning career (which I also really have to apply for..SOON), it's for something, almost, in a teeny way, better. I'M TAKING FLORISTRY CLASSES! It sounds gay, but I'm super excited. I've wanted to do this pretty much since I worked at Lush, when Kat and I used to do all the arrangements for the masks. I love flowers, I love colours, I love making things pretty, and this is perfect! It was less than $200 to enroll, and I'm starting next Wednesday!
It's also cool because after every class I get to take my arrangemen home, so I'm always going to have a fresh supply of flowers!

2) I found my stupid birth certificate! It's been lost pretty much since the summer, and I haven't been able to do a lot of things without it - like get a passport or B.C i.d so I could be a human. It's been scary thinking that I was nothing in terms of the world. So yeah, now I can go and get some real identification, which should make travelling easier!

Now all I have to do is seriously look more into this AuPairing buisness, and get going!

I really like being excited for things that are big, because it makes me forget about the small things that are really secretly driving me insane.

<3 <3 <3

it's been a while, now you've come back in style.

SO
I've decided on some things. They're not really big things or anything, but I've come to a realization about what's realistic for this year.

1) paying for school all by myself/saving enough to make a difference is not going to happen. If I want to be able to do that, I'd have to put away my entire paycheques, and that's just not going to happen. I'm going to have to get a student loan/rely on my grandparents.

2) I need to get the fuck out of Vancouver. I've been looking into AuPair agencies, and seeing if I can find a placement somewhere. I'd like to go to Ireland, Switzerland, England, Italy or France or something, for 3-6 months. Now all I have to do is get my passport all good to go....

This one totally ties into #2, but whatever
3)I'm going on a roadtrip! I'm going to make it happen! I told myself I'd go out to Alberta for spring break because that's around the time that my nephew is due, but now I'm thinking of pushing it to April or May so that Josh and Sophie can come with. We'd pretty much quit our jobs to do it, which is kind of scary, but also amazing. Then we'd go out to Winnipeg to go visit Ruby and go clubbing and stuff! I'm soooo excited! I really hope that it wasn't just a super stoned plan though, because I genuinely really truly want this to happen - and I'm going out to see my nephew no matter what.

Things are good!

there goes the fear

This has been the first new years where I've felt totally different after the clock stuck midnight (very a-la Cinderella, if I do say so myself), wierd, hey?
But I'm so happy with everything! So much shit is just done now, and I can move on to bigger and better things, which is the biggest relief in the whole world.

I like a boy.
He's not old or rude or an asshole in any way.
He's nice and talented and he calls me pretty. I like spending time with him.
This happened at midnight.

I'm happy, guys.

Other than that, I don't know whats up. My life isn't much else. I'm so smitten I'm stuuuupid.