letting go

To the boy who I used to love more than anything in the world,
the boy who said he'd never hurt me,
the boy who is losing himself,
the boy who still matters the most,
Beau Bennett.

I don't care if this embarasses you. I don't care if your friends, or anyone else for that matter, see's. I don't care if this makes you hate me forever, because it needs to be said.

I'm sitting here right now, thinking about what you're up to. And I know exactly what you're up to, and thats what bothers me so much. I know that at this moment, you're doing the one thing in the world that never fails to bring me to tears: you're getting fucked up. You're sitting in a shitty basement doing lines with your best friend, and trying to forget all about me. But I know you're thinking about me, because you know how much what you're doing hurts me.
Once upon a time, you promised me you'd take care of yourself, because you had greater plans in life than to end up like some of your friends. I didn't want the promise to be for me - but for yourself, because that's the one person you should never let down. When I told you that my greatest fear was that you would start doing drugs again, you cried. You promised never to make me feel that way ever again, because you know what its like to be let down. I believed you.
I believed with all of my heart that you would be the person that you had all the potential of being, and you were for a while - you were doing so much better. When we broke up, all that stopped. I started hearing that you were spending your days getting stoned and playing video games, never leaving Skylin's basement unless it was to pick up more weed.

I want to think that you're going to be better soon, once you get over me, but at this point I have no reason to feel that way. You're wasting your life, your intelligence, and your talent for absolutely nothing. I know the potential you have, because I've seen it. You could be one of the most amazing teachers in the world one day, you just have to set your mind to it and work for it. Right now, I want you to prove me wrong. Prove to me that you can be something, and make something of yourself, instead of living like a low life. Show me that you're better than your Mom, your friends, and any memory you have, and that you can do great things with yourself. MAKE ME SORRY to have doubted you. I want to one day apologize for ever thinking you couldn't do it, and for thinking that you might stay where you are right now.
Make something of yourself, because you can.

I love you. I always will love you, but you've let me down more than you can even imagine. I'll always have a place for you, even if we can never be around each other, let alone together, again. Just the same, you owe it to yourself to get some help, so that you don't end up an alcoholic, domestically abused, junkie like your Mother. Find someone who will be smart enough to medicate you, and figure your shit out. Learn to trust and love people again, and to get over the insecurities that tore us apart. Treat the next girl better than you treated me, and love her the way she deserves.

I hope that someday you'll remember me fondly, and not have any regrets. I hope you learn from everything that happened in every aspect of our relationship.
Please don't hate me for too long, because I really only want the best for you.

Love always,
Claire