shove your hope where it don't shine.

laallalalallal I'm doing a bit better. I've been looking into houses quite seriously, and I've found a couple that I'm interested in. Hannah, Shayla and I might move in together if we can find somewhere cheap and convenient enough for all of us, so here's hoping! =D =D =D

Also, the job hunt process is going to start this week, and I'm super excited for it! I feel theres a lot of promise right now, especially since the fucking Olympics are ENDING (finallyfinallyfinally), and I can get a job somewhere cool.

Anyway! A new thing! My new favorite thing!

This, my dear friends, is "lights, camera, lashes!" by Tarte Cosmetics. I LOVE this line. Why? Because it is:
- paraben free (which was a big thing when I worked at Lush)
- petro-chemical free
- phthalate free
- sulfate free (basically means there isn't a shit-ton of un-natural preservatives in it)
- glycol free
- fragrance free
- oil free (so it doesn't run like crazy!)
- gluten free (why would this even be needed in makeup...?)
- dye free
- talc free
- GMO free (= genetically modified organisms. again, WHY in makeup? Creating new DNA is not necessary for my eyes, thanks!)
- TEA free (which is basically alcohol)

And it makes your lashes SUPER long, which is great! I use up mascara really quickly - we're talking sometimes every two weeks (I don't get this at all, because I don't feel like a cake-face or anything...but maybe...), and this stuff lasted me almost two months! It made my lashes super soft, and they didn't feel like they were going to fall off afterwards, which is important! Plus my eyes are ridiculously sensitive, and it hasn't irritated them yet. The only thing I don't like about it is that it comes in a kinda stupid looking bottle, which is purple and fake snakeskin, but whatever.

So, if you need new mascara, go to Sephora and get it! I'm such a makeup junkie, and I adore it! It's kinda pricey (it came to $28 after tax), but it's sososososoososo worth it!
http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P111902&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=5648


Sorry bro's, I just had to share this with the world. I feel like it's my job because it's so great =)

In other news, I'm going to buy a gym pass tomorrow, because school ends this week, and I need something to do. Being super fit, here I come! It'll be funny if I ever run into Tony at the gym though aghahhaha. I'd just have to be like "race you?" or something on the treadmill. Whatever, it's not like he's never seen me all sweaty and gross before....Ew. BUT SERIOUSLY. I'm really sad that school's almost over. I've had such a good time in that class, and I've even kind of made a friend! I really love floristry, and I think it's something I'm good at, so I'd really love to be able to take the Level 2 course and the Special Events course in April - but I'm too poor. I'll talk to my grandparents about it, and see if maybe they'll be willing to help a brotha out - because realistically speaking, I could get a job with my Level 1, but I'd be making like, minimum wage, and I'm not down.

But promise promise promise!

fallinggggggg

I'm falling into that place where I can't be alone again. I feel like most of my close friends don't want to be around me right now, for one reason or another, and I don't get it. Ever since Josh and I stopped being friends, I haven't seen Sophie at all, and I feel like I've hardly seen anyone else. I'm being blown off on an almost daily basis, and it's seriously leading me to have anxiety attacks. Like yesterday, for example, when I burst into tears on the bus home.
I want to be this happy independent person, but I keep finding myself getting stuck and needing people. I'm not sure what "normal" even is in that sense - are human beings supposed to feel this lonely? Are we meant to be on our own, or are we supposed to be surrounded by people?
I know it's partly my fault - I'm working all the time, and I don't have much of a life, but honestly, it's getting pretty defeating when I do try to make plans, and everyone basically tells me to fuck off.

I hate feeling like this. I hate relying on people. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I don't know what to do about it.

To make it all worse, I'm having really big issues with my Mum again - she threatened that if Connor and I don't follow her rules (or something?) she's going to leave us. Straight up abandon her children, with all of the bills and everything; not telling us where she was going, and refusing to come back until we'd made a change. And it scared me. I don't even know what I did wrong, or why she's freaking out so much, but it's hard living in a house where she's on edge all the time. All I can think of doing to make this better is moving out, so that she doesn't leave both of us. So now I have this other stress of finding somewhere to live/someone to live with, which is REALLY HARD when a large majority of your friends won't talk to you. And I'm still working on finding another job, but I don't have time to do that because I'm working too much to ever go apply anywhere.

I'M FREAKING OUT, MAN.

A good thing that has come out of all of this though, is that I'm running again. I haven't gone for a run probably since....the summer, and it's extremely theraputic for me. When I'm upset about something, it's the only healthy thing that can make me feel better - which is awesome cause it's also really good for me. My thighs have turned to shit over the past couple of months, because I've been so lazy, and I need them to be nice again in time for summer!

So I dunno, I'm working on things, and trying my very best to chill out. The wierd thing about all of this is i'm still overall pretty happy, but these things are still somehow managing to drive me over the edge. But money will solve all of my problems, I think, and I'll be okay.

Phew.

i'd make a sea for you.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
what a hap hap happy day! I just want everyone out there to know that I love them mucho mucho, regardless of if they're alone or coupled today.

But also, kind of a shitty night last night. I'll just copy it from facebook because I don't give enough of a fuck to type it all out all nicely.

11:51amClaire
and uh, jos and i ended our friendship

11:51amEmma
...oh.

11:51amClaire
so, it was kinda a shitty night

11:51amEmma
was it like you had a fight and now never want to see him again or did you legit talk about it and decide to stop being friends

11:51amClaire
we talked about it

11:52amEmma
so.. you just ... aren't friends

11:54amClaire
well, k, basically what happened
he was telling hannah about his tattoo, and we were all baked, so like, people are kinda blunt (lol) when they're baked

11:54amEmma
m

11:56amClaire
and we were just being like, critical in a good way of it, just making sure that he'd thought about it and stuff. (its an inside joke between him and elisa, and i personallyyyyyy see best friend tattoos as just as bad as couple tattoos, because if you were to stop being friends, you'd kick yourself and hate it. and said joke only happened in the summer = less than a year ago)

11:56amEmma
i think %100 that his tattoo is a fully lame idea
but
you know
anyway

11:57amClaire
so we told him this. and he was just like "fuck you guys for hating. you're putting me down and making me feel dumb, that so stupid". and we were like "well no man, we're just saying that you should really think about it, and know for sure that its what you want. and if you REALLY want it, you won't care if people judge you for it"
and like, i didn't tell a lot of people about mine, because i knew people would critisize it, and i didn't want that.

11:58amEmma
m

11:58amClaire
and he just continued to be really mad, even though i tried to explain to him why i was saying what i was saying. and like, maybe it was out of line, but a tattoo's on your body forever, and i think its a dumb idea, so i felt it was my need as a friend to express that

11:59amEmma
yeah

11:59amClaire
then out of the blue (we were alone in his car at this point, and hannah adn colleen were outside blazing) he was like "i don't like chilling with you anymore"

11:59amEmma
whoa

11:59amClaire
and so i was like "uhhhhh WHAT THE FUCK
and he was like "well, we just fight all the time, and it sucks." "dude, i told you this months ago....this isn't news to either of us"

12:00pmEmma
yep

12:01pmClaire
so then i was just like "okay, well, i know why i pick fights with you sometimes, and its because i call you on your shit, and keep you grounded in a sense (or try to, anyway), and i want to keep you levelheaded because i can tell when you're getting over-excited/retarded."
but also like "i don't know why you're mean to me though. i don't do anything to you, nad you're totally verbally abusive to me. and other people have noticed and talked to me about it, and its bullshit"
and he was like "i do it because its easy"
so i flipped out

12:02pmEmma
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
WHOA
WHOA
that is some bullshit

12:03pmClaire
yeah
so i was like "k well, WHAT THE FUCK kind of friend is mean to his friends because he can? or because its easy?! thats bullshit and terrible and i don't want to be friends with you if you're going to be like that"
so he was all "i dunno. its just like., i dunno. like the way a kindergartner is....i just do it because i'm used to it. and i don't want to stop"

12:04pmEmma
what the fuck?

12:05pmClaire
and i just sat there in shock for like, a minute. and didn't speak and held back tears. then was like "okay, well, i don't want to be friends with someone who has the maturity of a kindergartner"
then he cut me off and was like "OMG CLAIRE. I'M SO BAKED. HOLY SHIT."
and i got out of the car. and that was the end. then he left.

12:06pmEmma
.....what the fuck?
honestly
holy jesus

12:06pmClaire
yep
so
that was the end of that
peace out like, most important person in my life.




Happy 'tines, guys!
fuck my life.

(cool band in postsecret video http://www.myspace.com/donora )

RANT

Dear J,


I feel like you don't respect me at all. We argue all the time over nothing, because you, or I, or both of us start unnecessary arguments and are unable to finish them, and it's starting to wear me out.
You put me down constantly, both when we're alone and in public/around people, and I don't understand why. You're supposed to be the person who I'm closest to, and who said he'd always be there for me - making me feel like shit isn't making me feel like those are true statements at all.
When you're not doing that, you're trying to get me to have sex with you, which I've told you multple times I'm not interested in. I wish you could think of me as something more than just a piece of familiar ass, and instead as a person, with feelings and thoughts and morals. It shouldn't be hard to accept "no" as an answer, especially if you want to keep me as your friend.
When I reject you, you get angry at me, and snap. Then you'll say things like "okay, whatever." or "okay, bye" until I drop the subject or leave. Then the next day you act as though nothing happened. Well, J, something did happen, and I'm not willing to let you treat me like that anymore. If you want to be my friend, and have me in your life, you need to smarten the fuck up, because at this point I'm ready to drop you like a ton of fucking bricks.

I've grown up and moved on. It's time that you do the same thing, too.
I feel like I've wasted so many minutes waiting for you to change and treat me the way I deserve, and I'm finally done trying.

i might just be a huge bitch, but....

I've started to really detest some of my friends when they're under the influence. I don't know exactly what it is, but I think it's just the fact that some of them become unmanageable so quickly, they're hard to deal with. I probably sound like a huge douchebag right now, because I'm high on a weed brownie, but I feel like I'm somehow different than some of them. I feel that I can handle myself pretty easily, and I can get things done when I have to - it's not hard for me to make a plan and follow through with it, and for some of them that's like, the hardest thing in the world to do.

I also feel like there's more judgement and criticism among people who are fucked up. It's so easy to say really terrible thing to people, and think nothing of it. Like tonight, I was complaining about how I sometimes feel put down by this one person in particular, and it's upsetting me a lot, and Josh responded by saying: "well, a lot of people do that to you, sooooo.....". It shocked me. Why is that acceptable? How is that in any way a good excuse? He didn't even realize that what he'd said could be hurtful. Then he said: "well, I don't really do it to you that much, so don't bitch at me about it."
that much still = something, and something is bad enough on it's own.


I just hate that people have a reason to be jerks.

fuck.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4MXFOMpVIw
really down for this song right now.

need a man who likes it rough

I got two e-mails from people who want me to AuPair for them yesterday! Promise promise promise! I love when my life shows promise!
The only thing is, I'm starting to get my guard up about scams when it comes to stuff like this - I've heard so many horror stories about people getting there and realizing that the situation was totally not legit at all.

What do you guys think?

"Hello Au-pair,
My name is Dr Paul Clinton, i stay in London with my wife and 3kids.
I just read your profile and i want you to be our aupair, i want someone that will take them to school and bring them back, and some time you will help and teach them what is good and right.
As regard to your accommodation you will have your own private room in my house, and for your travel arrangement i will contact the British Embassy here in London on how i can process your document for you to start work with my family as soon as possible.
You can reach me on my personal mobile to indicate your interest. My Number is +447045754032 or drpaulclintin@gmail.com
Here i attach my family photos
We sincerely look forward to hearing from you.
Best Wishes
Dr Paul Clinton."

Sketchy? Not sketchy? I can't tell if it's a language barrier or just like....him sucking at life. I DON'T KNOW. Regardless, I need to look into it more. I was looking at certified and approved AuPair agencies on the Better Business Bureau website today, and I found a couple that seem a bit better than the ones I've been using, so I'm going to sign up for them. I can't wait to get out of here!

Work is getting boring to the point that I almost really can't handle it. We're so slow all the time, there's nothing to do, and I feel so stunted. You can only re-arrange puzzles so many times before you want to shoot yourself in the head. I can't wait until the stupid Olympics are over so I can apply to do something else. I want to be a florist, now!

Photos from lately!


After Raina's exam = shitfaced. I love her! She's the best big sister I could ever have!


So dark and mysterioussssss.


I think I did a good job on this arrangement itself, I'm just really not a big fan of birds of paradise. They were lame to work with, they stink, and are really harsh looking. Call me super girly, but I like leafy, petally flowers, like daisies and stuff - these are "handsome", as my teacher called them. EFF HANDSOME I WANT PRETTY.
But I guess that's an important thing to know about any kind of paid art: it doesn't matter what you like, it matters what the customer likes - and if the customer wants a vertical arrangement of birds of paradise, hell, I'm gonna give it to them!


rawrrrrrr