fallinggggggg

I'm falling into that place where I can't be alone again. I feel like most of my close friends don't want to be around me right now, for one reason or another, and I don't get it. Ever since Josh and I stopped being friends, I haven't seen Sophie at all, and I feel like I've hardly seen anyone else. I'm being blown off on an almost daily basis, and it's seriously leading me to have anxiety attacks. Like yesterday, for example, when I burst into tears on the bus home.
I want to be this happy independent person, but I keep finding myself getting stuck and needing people. I'm not sure what "normal" even is in that sense - are human beings supposed to feel this lonely? Are we meant to be on our own, or are we supposed to be surrounded by people?
I know it's partly my fault - I'm working all the time, and I don't have much of a life, but honestly, it's getting pretty defeating when I do try to make plans, and everyone basically tells me to fuck off.

I hate feeling like this. I hate relying on people. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I don't know what to do about it.

To make it all worse, I'm having really big issues with my Mum again - she threatened that if Connor and I don't follow her rules (or something?) she's going to leave us. Straight up abandon her children, with all of the bills and everything; not telling us where she was going, and refusing to come back until we'd made a change. And it scared me. I don't even know what I did wrong, or why she's freaking out so much, but it's hard living in a house where she's on edge all the time. All I can think of doing to make this better is moving out, so that she doesn't leave both of us. So now I have this other stress of finding somewhere to live/someone to live with, which is REALLY HARD when a large majority of your friends won't talk to you. And I'm still working on finding another job, but I don't have time to do that because I'm working too much to ever go apply anywhere.

I'M FREAKING OUT, MAN.

A good thing that has come out of all of this though, is that I'm running again. I haven't gone for a run probably since....the summer, and it's extremely theraputic for me. When I'm upset about something, it's the only healthy thing that can make me feel better - which is awesome cause it's also really good for me. My thighs have turned to shit over the past couple of months, because I've been so lazy, and I need them to be nice again in time for summer!

So I dunno, I'm working on things, and trying my very best to chill out. The wierd thing about all of this is i'm still overall pretty happy, but these things are still somehow managing to drive me over the edge. But money will solve all of my problems, I think, and I'll be okay.

Phew.