Monday, December 27, 2010

black and gold

I am doing very well! Very well indeed!

(Aside from being sick, but I am recovering!)

I had a really excellent Christmas haul this year. I'm really pleased that I got a lot of things that will be helpful for the future - like a toaster oven and some more baking things. I will not be ghetto when I move out!

I've been getting to spend a lot more time with my friends lately, too, which has really been helping my sanity. However, going out so much has been the reason why I got so sick....but whatever!


MIDDLE FINGAZ UP!
Much love to Ruby for buying me a ticket to Excision for Christmas!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

WHY

Why is is that boys have this magical way of hitting on every single girl, and not being called sluts or whores or easy when they do it? But when a girl does it, she is all of those things. Not to mention lame and desperate?

point being of this small rant
HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? HOW THE FUCK HAS IT NOT HAPPENED FOR ME YET? I AM SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW.

cheaters never prosper? yeah, right.







why is is that good people end up alone?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

this is lame.

I'm so sick of not feeling wanted.

Friday, November 5, 2010

if i was yours, but i'm not.

Hi, blog.

Too much. Have some photos.















you say can we still be friends
if i was scared
i would
and if i was bored
you know i would
and if i was yours
but i’m not
all the kids have always known
that the emperor wears new clothes
but to bow to down to them anyway
is better than to be alone

Saturday, September 18, 2010

fluffiest clouds!

I feel so calm right now.

Today is my first day off in what feels like weeks, and I'm SO happy about it! I haven't really really been doing much of either over the past little while, but I've had one or the other every single day. It's been pretty intense! I'm so happy it's sunny and warm enough outside to not need a jacket right now, too.

Oh yeah! I finished school! I got my bartending liscence! It was so much hard work and memorization (I had to essentially cut out weed while I was doing it, because being permafried is not helpful when you're trying to cram), but iiiiii didddddd itttttt! I got 96% on my Serving it Right exam, and I'm pretty darn proud of myself. I finished with 83% on the written, and unfortunately almost totally bombed my practical? How do you do this?! You know how whenever you have a test on a subject which covers a whole bunch of different aspects/categories/whatever (so there's a whole bunch of different potential questions), it always ends up focusing on the one area you don't know/are unsure of? Yaaaaaa that happened. Goddamn "Harvey Wall Banger" had been kicking my ass since day one. Couldn't memorize it for the life of me (fuckin' Tall Rocks glass, Built, 1/2 oz Galliano, 1/2 oz Vodka, orange juice and a flag). And then the "Manhattan" because we learnt it on the second to last day and I've never had one before so I wasn't familliar with it. I tried to memorize it (Man = rye, because whiskey was historically mostly drunk by males, but it still didn't work). (Martiti glass, Stir or Shake, 2 oz of Rye, dash Sweet Vermouth, dash Bitters, Cherry garnish)
Ugh. So frustrating to put so much effort and work and time into something, and then fuck it up at the last minute. My teacher totally knew that he'd screwed me over though, and commented afterwards about how he knew I was a better bartender than that. I ended up getting 11/16. 10/16 was the lowest you could get and still pass. Boo.

BUT I'M CERTIFIED NOW MAWFUCKASSSSSS.
Now to get a job.

In other recent events - boys are funny. I got hit on (I...guess?) by two very different, equally curly haired boys at Zeds Dead the other day. So wierd. Such a wierd funny time.
ZD was AMAAAAAAZING, too. I had so much fun. Coming home from shows dripping in sweat and with what feels like broken legs is always a good time (every so often. not all the time) (I'm also being completely serious right now. I love it). Working at 10 the next morning, however, was not. BUT one of the DJ's was in the Kids Market that day! However, he was kind of an asshole and didn't really seem to care that I was telling him he absolutely killed it the night before. Like, how many people would actually recognize a DJ? NOT MANY. fuck you, man. I was so starstruck and stoked for that short while.

I don't really know what I'm talking about anymore. I shouldn't attempt to update when I'm stoned. I hope this thing makes sense?

Portuguese stars on the 28th. I'm very excited. Trilingual tiiiiiiime!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaTgDgCSh-w
"White Sky"
Vampire Weekend
Please just watch the link. I beg of you. I searched it and just died laughing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NuEfHc_2c4
"LA Love"
Zed's Dead
yessssssssssss tiniest Pharoahe Monch sample yaaaaaay.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2klTw123_jw&feature=fvst
"Poppin' My Collar"
Three Six Mafia ft. Project Pat
THREE SIX TWELVE DAYSSSSS!!!!! THANK YOU LILY AND JOS FOR THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

yes i got my swagga back

Honey, I'm HOOOOOOOOOOOOME!

Shambhala blew my mind in all sorts of different directions. I can't even begin to describe it. I'm going to sound like a huge hippy right now, but it's amazing to be around so many people who have found/are in the process of finding their bliss.

I win the hippy award for that one. Yes, I do.

But seriously.

The weather was mostly gorgeous and the people were great and the drugs were the best. Nothing went wrong! It is nice to be home now though. I'm absolutely exhausted and I need to just chill for....a day, before birthday time!

I'm loving August so much.

"Swagga"
Excision + Datsik
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpAePSP-ni4

"Act like you know"
Nero
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjgFYQMWtqo

But really, at the end of it all

"Home"
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjFaenf1T-Y

I'd like a nice boy to cuddle up with right now. That would be the nicest.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

you can erase someone from your mind - getting them out of your heart is another story







One of my favorite poems. Read the full thing if you have some time to kill.
"Eloisa to Abelard"
by Alexander Pope
http://www.monadnock.net/poems/eloisa.html

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.
"

If I could, I'd erase you.

i can't give it up for someone else's touch.

My tummy hurts because I just ate a burrito >.<

SHAMBHALA ON THE BRAIN, ALL THE TIME ALL THE TIME ALL THE TIIIIIIIME!
I can't get over how excited I am. It's ridiculous. I'M LEAVING IN 4 DAYS MAWFUCKAAAAAAA!
And then
and then
and then

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I seriously forsee the two most intense weeks of my life, coming up right now. I'm gonna deeeeeeeestroy myself. (oops)

Still wanting a new job, because mine is getting boring and repetitive and I don't think I can deal with Arlene anymore.
Marija and I are booking our plane tickets to Europe sometime at the end of this month (!!!)

Everything is coming together.

All I need is a boy, and I'm all set.
(hmph)

O ya!






I wish I was on the money.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

sup bitches

I quite like posting photos, and even more so, I like posting photos of myself!


I am such an LG, but its great.


OMG FUCK YOU?
aka
Blinded and blazing is my life.


Before bed a couple weeks ago, before I chopped my bangs again. I really like this photo for some reason.


Night, all! (note, no makeup and shiiiiiiit)

I went on a run today. It felt sooo amazing to actually get out on a warm night and run my little balls off. Without my dog. I feel terrible, because I know he'd be beyond stoked to be outside, but he's getting too old and slow now =( My poor little senior citizen.
Then I did 50 crunches when I got home. I realized the other day that I'm starting to get these tiny stoner lovehandles, which no one but me has/would ever notice, but they bother me. And honestly, doing a bunch of crunches can't ever be bad for you, amirite? I'm going to seriously do my best to make this a more regular activity, because according to every older person I know, excercise only gets harder as you get older, and I refuse to be a fat old lady!
I'm also thinking about taking a Butts, Abs and Thighs workout class thing at Mount Pleasant starting on Mondays in August. Yay, health!

In other news, it feels weird being alone in my house. I'm never alone in my house (probably because I'm never here, but still...). It's almost lonely. Thank god for Patches.

And I leave for Calgary in 9 days! STOOOOOOOOKED BEYOND BELIEF.

"Tell Me What to Swallow" - Crystal Castles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZSE4uVtxBA
so down for this, and all Crystal Castles, all the time!

Imma go smoke some weed now!

Friday, June 18, 2010

things I love


HARRY POTTER LAND JUST OPENED! WHO WANTS TO GOOOOOOOOOO?!
Actually, I'm a bit too stoked for this.


Pretty little lingerie-clad Disney girls.


I just realized for the first time how unbelievably beautiful Brigitte Bardot is. Oh my gosh.


Super cuuuuute. I'd wear both of these dresses all the time.


This is almost my makeup counter! hahahhaa


"Is There a Ghost?" - Band of Horses
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JK716RqoUms

Thursday, June 17, 2010

you could take me in fours

Watch things on VCRs with me
and talk about big love
I think we're superstars
you say you think we are the best thing

But you
you just know
you just do


Wierd heartache is the wierdest thing. What a stupid sentence, but it's trueeeeeee.

I have such terrible cramps right now. Oh myyyyy lord. Also, allergies are such a bad time. WHINE WHINE WHINE.

So, I've decided that I'm going to remodel and rework my wardrobe. I feel a bit too much like a neon LG, and thats not a good thing at all, when I already look young for my age. SO anyone wanna help me? Have any ideas? Stuff like dat? I'm so open to suggestions. (but please note, I don't want to be toooooo much of a hipster douchebag)

Also, there's a possibility I might be going to Vegas at the end of July? My sister's dance team group thing made it into the World Championships, and she's one of 7 out of 22 girls who were chosen to go down and represent them. Pretty cool! And now my Dad and Step-Mum have offered to pay for my flight down as my birthday present if I want to go! Ahhhh! I'd love to, but I still don't have a stupid stinking passport yet, because I just got my BCID. Eff eff eff. Hopefully I can get my shit together over the next month and it'll come speedilyyyyyyy.
I'm wondering where my Dad is getting all this money though....Yesterday my Mum got a cheque from Family Maintenance, giving her all of the money in child support that my Dad has owed her for me for the last....10 years almost. Hella cash. He hasn't had money for years though. Like, actually. So this was super shocking for both of us. We're thinking that he either
a) won the lottery (again)
b) gambelled and actually got a substancial amount of money this time, or
c) my Grandad died, and he got a trust.
I really....hope my Grandad didn't die. That would suck. But seriously, Dad, how do you do it?!

But at least two trips of mine this summer will be paid for now. Hollaaaaaa

Thursday, June 10, 2010

shiiiiiiiit

I'm all blacked out, and stuff!



But aren't we just the cutest?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR_qa3Ohwls
is my luv ur drug?!

GUESS WHAT, GUYS?

BIG BROTHER 12: JULY 8TH 2010



I am sooooooooo excited!
And the dates for it have changed, so I won't be such a nerm, all the time!

I am such a loser, but I don't care!


I went to Josh's farm for two days, and I've totally fried my brain. I guess I forgot there was a reason why I don't start smoking weed at 9 a.m - and thats because it just makes me eat so much food and take a million naps. But it was a fun little getaway anyways. Ole burnt his eyebrows/lashes off! It was probably one of the most terrifying and hilarious things I've ever seen in my whole life.
But seriously, I am so exhausted. I baked cookies all day today and sat around, which I have every intention of continuing to do. I love days off!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

i'll move for you

I want to buy a whole new wardrobe and travel and listen to music.
I want to run around in a field somewhere sunny and warm and calm.
I want to be cuddled by someone who won't try to take one of my best friends home.
I want some kind of change so badly, I don't even know what to do to get it.


I've been super into (fashion) blogs lately - namely leloveimage.blogspot.com


sigh.





so pretty.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

these mean something right now.

A ma chère Ruby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fty_DxJmUZw

"Rome" - Phoenix
Who's the boy you like the most
Is he teasing you with underage?
Could he be waving from a tropical sunset ?
Static silhouette somehow
Single in his bed someday
Quiet till it falls, falls, falls

Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome
Focus looking forward the colosseum
Oh no! What did I say? What can I say ?
Rome, Rome, many tears have fallen here
I'll be driving you ; looking the other way.

It ain't easy to ignore
When your shutters are open all the way
When it's candlelight I see I go insane
Distant silhouette somehow
We shared a cigarette somewhere
Addict till it falls, falls, falls ,

Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome
Focus looking forward the colosseum
Oh no! What did I say? What can I say ?
Rome, Rome, many tears have fallen here
I'll be driving you ; looking the other way.

Always and forevermore
I call you say I'm on the way
2000years remain in a trash can
let burnthe cigarette somewhere
Ashes till it falls, falls, falls

I stand outside under broken leaves

I know I can't do whitout
The future's trying to wait
I've never love you
And if I loved you
I wouldn't say that I'm sorry oh no
I stand outside under the broken leaves

Always and forevermore
We're together dead and lonely
I thought I couldn't do this somewhere
Ashes till it falls, falls, falls

Thursday, May 13, 2010

its not gonna stay anymore, i think it's over-rated

So many people I know are having relationship drama right now, or breaking up completely. It's depressing! Some of these people are the people that I really care about!

This is so shitty. Those couples that were like rocks are all peacing out, and its really confusing.

Although, because of all of this, i've come to realize how happy I am to not be in a relationship right now. Like, my goodness. Sooooooo much less stressful.

get carried away!

I miss smoking. That's a big thing. I know it's in my best interest to quit, but goddamn, it's hard this time. I just want to do it because I'm bored and alone. Boo.

I'm really super into music right now.

1. "Fences" - Phoenix

I just want to cruise around and listen to this song, all the time.

2. "Odessa" - Caribou

I feel the same about this song. I listen to it with Jos when we're super baked, and it's always good times.

3. "Babylove - Diana Ross and The Supremes

LOOK AT HOW CLASSY AND CUTE THEY ARE. Also, this song reminds me of my life. I'm not sure if it's good of bad, but I've been listening to this on vinyl for daaaaays!

4. "PYT" - Michael Jackson

This is always my #1 summer song. Actually, #1 life song. I fuckin' love MJ

5. "Puke - Eminem

(Just don't listen to the first 24 seconds, because they're unnecessary) I'm a g. But one line from this song has been stuck in my head all week.
Ha!

Umm, my brain is kind of a wierd mashup right now. Things have been happening lately, and they're making it really hard for me to figure out my feelings. I guess I just have to ride it out and see!

Friday, April 23, 2010

for a little bit of fame today

I GOT LOVELY NEWS TODAY.

So I've decided to go back to school at BCIT. Why? Because God decided to kiss my forehead and present me with an opportunity when I was least expecting it. A guy came into my work on Monday and was promoting a baby event, and we got to talking about event planning. It turns out that he went to BCIT, and absolutely loved it.
Just by the sounds of it, I love the program too!
ch-ch-ch-CHECK IT.


Anyway. The better news is that I asked my Mum about the savings account she set up for me when I was little, which is seperate from all the money that I spent from my bank account in grade 8 (oops). Turns out that I have $1600 put away. Its not a lot, but it's definetely going to be helpful in paying for this shit. So I'm stoked on that.
I also apparently have a trust fund waiting for me when I turn 19, from a car accident that Mum, Connor and I were in the summer before grade 9. There's $3000 in that, which can be used for anything.

I'M GOING TO GO TRAVELLING.
This is a for sure thing now.
I have the money. That $3000 is going to send me to Europe after my birthday, and I'm going to travel and stay there until school starts (which'll really only be 3 weeks or so, but I DON'T CARE.)

I'M GOING I'M GOING I'M GOING. I AM SO EXCITED.
And now I have another option of a buddy to stay with in Ireland! Killian, a co-worker dude from Kaboodles, is from there, and he's going back home in July. It's gonna work perfectly!

You don't even know how excited I am right now.

This also means that a lot of the money I'm saving now can go towards taking some time off and going otu to spend some time with my new nephew!


He's so tiny! And his momma is so pretty =)


I love him so much already! Callin all the ladiesssssss


He is also a thug. Who looks CREEPILY like Nick and also like my Dad.

I'm stoked on life.

Monday, April 12, 2010

at a fraction of the cost

I think what needs to happen here, is I need to sleep with someone. This is grossly inappropriate for in public/on the internet, but I need some kind of female recognition on this subject.
Hormones are insane! And I don't want them to make me do something stupid! I think if I sleep with someone, all of my stupidity will leave me, and I'll be able to be rational again.

Does this make sense? I hooooooope so!

Today was a bit of an awkward day at the office, but I'm hoping that'll change/get better soon!

Ayaaaaaaa

Saturday, April 10, 2010

if theres love

This is my life as of lately. (I've copied and pasted it from a conversation I had with Ruby, because I refuse to type it all out again/make it look pretty)


"this guy marc stokes (un-1) was having a show on wednesday, and ive known him for years and years because hes friends with britt and tyler (ive done mushrooms with him and stuff), and tehy wanted me to come. the last time i saw marc was with marija simon and amir, so i figrued i'd ask amir to come with me because he'd already heard him and liked his shit. (lol he rapped about how i was a redhead who was smokign weed, it was dope. i fell in love)

so i convinced amir that i'd pay for his drinks if he came with me, cause i really needed a wing man. i was sooooo gonna try to like, get marc in my pants because hes sooooooo cute and talented and cool and i've been so down for so long

so amir and i went to britt's, and she and marc were chilllin there, so we all hung out for a bit then this girl named melissa showed up, then tye and this otehr guy mike got back to the apartment, and we all hung out and blazed and drank and stuff

amir was sitting beside marc, and they were talking. at one point i mostly read his lips/heard him ask amir "does she have a boyfriend" and looked up at me. and i got all hella stoked cause amir waslike "naw man". anyway, i started talking to melissa abot perfume, and the way that memory is linked to scent and how i think scent is the most important sense - basically my whole girly ridiculous lush rant, and i offered to take her to find something she liked sometime.

so anyway, we went to da clubbbb and bought a bunch of drinks, and i ended up pretty drunk. i started talking to mike about photography because he had a huge camera with him and shit, and we ended up having a long conversation about how his girlfriend of 2 years just out of the blue broke up with him when they were about to move in together, and he was super sad about it. he was holding up pretty well though, like, i wouldntve noticed that he had gotten dumped or something terrible had just happened just by looking at him

okay, so i went to buy amir and i more drinks, and realized i would be a huge douche if i just spent like, 10 minutes telling this guy how sorry i feel for him,and then coming back with drinks for everyone else i was sitting with (it was just the 3 of us) and not him. so i bought him a beer. watched the show, then amir and i realized it was almost 2 and we both had to be at work at 10 the next day, so we left.

i was suuuper rainy, and we were in gastown, and i was in ridiculously high heels, so amir grabbed my hand to insure that i didnt royally bail. we walked all the way to my house and talked and stuff. then when we got to my doorway, i stuck my hand into my bag to look for my keys, and he grabbed me by the back of the head, and like, pushed his face into my face, and kissed me. and i, being terribly sexually frustrated and fucking DYING HERE, responded in teh natural way when someone kisses you, and i kissed him back. then i realized that i was, in fact, kissing amir, and just as i was about to pull away, he like, pushed off of me and pretty much ran away and was like "k see you tomorrow!"

um, yeah

so i just stood there, a bit dumbfounded

then smoked like, 3 cigarettes in the rain.

and then the next morning we were on the same bus to work. so we had to sit together, and we were totally normal to each other and acted like nothing had happened

and he suggested that we get off a stop early and walk the long way to work, so i assumed he'd like, explain himself or something then, but he didn't

so we worked beside each other all day, and i had already told christiana (his
coworker and one of my new bitches =) ) what had happened, so we were texting about it all day. then she and i took our breaks together, and we went and ast and ate and talked about it, and she was like "well, i asked him if he liked you, and he was just like "maybe i do, maybe i don't. why does it matter?" " and then she asked "well did it mean anythin then?" and he said "maybe it did, maybe it didnt" and was being all stupid and sly adn douchey about it. so she concluded that he obvs does still like me (which we both already knew. duh)

he was done work that day at 2, and we were done at 6, so i figured he'd do what he always does and come over and say bye to me, but no. he put his sunglasses on and headphones in and hood up and walked out the other door, completely avoiding me

BUT later on that day i went on fbook, and got this:

Mike Pegasus April 8 at 2:11pm
hey Claire!
i overheard you talking to Melissa about finding your scent.. i thought about it, and realized every cologne ive gotten has been from someone else.. i'd like you to help me find my scent :)
oh and btw. u smell good :P

so now i'm going on a date type thing i think with this guy?
LOL who is a dj and stuff
and also is, uh, 27

aaaaand amir didn't talk to me at all yesterday, which is really not normal at all, and was very difficult to deal with. and today he went on about how he fucked some girl last night and has a sore back because of it
and that night that everything happened, he'd slept with someone, which he told me all about, and anotehr girl the night before. it was gross
respect like....dropiing?
possiblity to ever be attracted to....also dropping"


Prettyyyyyyyy much. This is wierd ahahhahahah. I'm not really that concerned or anything, it's just really odd and unexpected and I'm a bit confused. But whatever.

It's sunny and gorgeous outside, and I want to go and play! Aka go shopping and buy a whole bunch of new makeup and spring clothing!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

i change shapes just to hide in this place

i'm on the hunt for a new fuck buddy! there are so many options, but i'm not ready to settle for just anyone, yet.


wish me luckkkkkkkk!


a real entry will come soon. (my grandparents are in bed right now, and this keyboard is so loud i think it'll wake them up if i type much more than a sentence)

things are really good right now! i feel fresh and clean and good. i've quit smoking weed until 4/20, which isn't really that far away, but it's considerable (especially since i'm working until 6 that day, so i'm going to miss 4:20 for the first time, um, EVER). i've also quit smoking cigarettes. the only reason i even started again was because i was with beau, and now, well... i can quit again!

i feel like i'm on my way to being healthy again. =)

home tomorrowwwww! i get to go to goats on the roof tomorrow, too!

i have more things to say, but, again, this is not the time or the place!

mucho amour.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

you're living in a dreamworld.

"dear letterstolovers,
There's a difference between finding happiness in love and relying on it for happiness. Never let the swoon of a love take for granted all the things that bring you happiness.

Be happy whether in love or in sorrow and you'll truly be thankful for all that you have.

But to let love overpower your heart and soul is to be on a never-ending chase or quest, to which you'll let true happiness slip you by.

sincerely,
stagg_stradegy"



I found this randomly in a livejournal community a while ago. It makes me feel better whenever I'm down/heartbroken/confused. (which are all of my feelings right now)



Time to be alone.

you know i'd go to fucking hell for you.

I AM THE MOST FRUSTRATED AND CONFUSED, EVER.

I got dumped again last night. Why? Because of a year and a half old rumour, which is apparently too much to deal with. Do I deserve a real explanation/acknowledgement of what "actually" happened? No, of course not, you dumb whore.

This feels like a slap in the face. People need to shit the fuck up and mind their own business. WHY was something like this even being talked about? How is it that as soon as someone opens their mouth, my relationship turns to shit? Why can't it be when I (or really, either of us) open my mouth that things go bad? The last time we were together everything was fine. We were super lovey and kissy and huggy and awesome. Then he went to school and I went to work as usual. The next time we talked everything was okay too. And the next time after that. And then out of nowhere, when I called him last night to see what he was doing for the evening, he springs all of this on me. I'm so confused. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?!


This is such fucking bullshit.

I don't know if I should laugh, or cry, or just be really, really mad.

Something obviously happened, that I don't know about. I'm going to figure out what it is.

Friday, March 26, 2010

i feel you in my bones

I don't know what to do tonight! I couldddddddd

1. Go to the Blarney Stone with Jos and Chris and all of their friends for a birthday. But I might be the only girl and get hella macked on? Not d.

2. Go out with all of the kids from Kaboodles because it's Colleen's birthday - but it's already 10:30 and I don't know what the plan is! And I think they just want to go to some kind of a chilled out bar, whereas I wanna be dancing!

3. The Astoria with all of my buddies, for cheap drinks and free cover!

I dunnooooo mangggggg.

In other news! I have new friends! I've taken to hanging out with my kinda-not-actually-really-at-all coworkers from Kaboodles, and they're super dope! We just go out drinking and we chat a whole bunch and it's lovely. Christiana's my absolute fave, and we have so many things in common, so time with her is always really, really awesome. It's nice to have work friends again - I missed that about Lush a whole bunch, because now that we don't work together, seeing each other is really hard.
Yay for new beginnings!

Otherwise, things are good. Having an I.D has been really awesome, and I hope it will continue to be so. It tooooootally doesn't look like me at all, but it works somehow =)
I'm also looking into school again - don't like, quote me or anything, because whooooooo knows if it'll actually happen or not, but! I want to take a language. Like Latin or Italian or Portuguese or something. I think Portuguese would be the most practical, because then I could speak it with my step-mum and be super stealthy all the time. I'd also know what the fuck she and my step-auntie's are always talking about when they whisper things to each other. Ha! F you guys and your secrecy. I mostly just think it would be nice to be doing something productive with myself again, because I'm turning into a lazy asshole.

Also! I'm due to be an auntie any day now! Nick predicted that the little guy would pop out on the 24th, but as of right now, there's been no sign of him! I'm getting antsyyyyyyy, I want him to come out right now! (I'm gonna spoil this kid soooo much, it's gonna be ridiculous!)

Anywayyyyyy, apparently we're going to the Lennox downtown? Cooooooooooool.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

cool things!

I've been finding cool things lately!

Ch-ch-ch-check it!




I think Colleen is really cool! I can't wait for her to be done her drawing of me!



I want to do something like this. And have a camera that takes photos that are as gritty as this. I basically love everything about it.



Disney's the best.



I just re-discovered how fucking much I love fafi!



SICK SICK SICK. Only $250!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

thrash thrash thrash

I've been reading around blogs for the past little while - just creeping through people that know people that I know, and it's been really interesting. People get so....into blogging. haha it just strikes me as such an odd thing, cause I don't really give a fuck? Real, deep feelings and stuff are meant for journals, in my opinion.

Better better better is what I'm getting to be. In pretty much every sense. I had a rough couple of days aka like, week, there. It sucked, but now I know I'm never going to have to repeat it again.
I've missed not being able to drink. Sure, it's been like, a week now, not even, but it's a nice thing to be able to do when you want to. Especially now that I have an I.D and can go out and do things! Baaaaaah, Karma.

CREEPIEST/WIERDEST/COOLEST THING JUST HAPPENED
I was reading my hososcope on (which is, by the way, the best online horoscope I've ever read. Actually, the best ever. In any print), and it told me this :
"March 20th, when the Sun leaves moody Pisces and moves into fiery Aries, turning you from a slug into a superstar overnight. Until then, paint your fingernails black, scribble down angry poetry, or brood over the one who got away."

I just painted my fingernails black. Not even two minutes before I read this. Trippayyyyyyy, man.
But seriously. That was wierd.

I should probably get ready to go out dancing! I have so much to do, and it's already 9:30!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

if you don't love me, somebody else will.

Today was one of the worst days I've had in a while. My slutty phaze has caught up with me, and i'm kicking myself for it.

Things need to fucking pick up.

In other news! It's Sophie's birthday today, and I'm going out to get very, very drunk! I'm very excited about drinking my fucking pain away.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

i know what i want, and what i want's right here with you.

I don't want to go to school today, even though it's the last day.
I just want to stay home and bitch. Or mope. Or something. I'm mad for a stupid reason that isn't actually stupid. Is it too early to feel under-appreciated? Yes. It is.
I'm really scared that I'm going to end up in the place that I was in...6 months ago. And I'm going to dig myself a hole and it's going to hurt even more this time. I cannot, and will not stand for the way I'm being treated right this minute. I am not her. I will not put up with the shit that she put up with, because I am a person of value, who deserves to have some fucking attention paid to her, instead of drinking while she gets bored and goes to sleep.

Ugh.

I'm really frustrated right now, and I can't articulate it.
I want him to apologize and make me feel better, and I want this to go away.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

shove your hope where it don't shine.

laallalalallal I'm doing a bit better. I've been looking into houses quite seriously, and I've found a couple that I'm interested in. Hannah, Shayla and I might move in together if we can find somewhere cheap and convenient enough for all of us, so here's hoping! =D =D =D

Also, the job hunt process is going to start this week, and I'm super excited for it! I feel theres a lot of promise right now, especially since the fucking Olympics are ENDING (finallyfinallyfinally), and I can get a job somewhere cool.

Anyway! A new thing! My new favorite thing!

This, my dear friends, is "lights, camera, lashes!" by Tarte Cosmetics. I LOVE this line. Why? Because it is:
- paraben free (which was a big thing when I worked at Lush)
- petro-chemical free
- phthalate free
- sulfate free (basically means there isn't a shit-ton of un-natural preservatives in it)
- glycol free
- fragrance free
- oil free (so it doesn't run like crazy!)
- gluten free (why would this even be needed in makeup...?)
- dye free
- talc free
- GMO free (= genetically modified organisms. again, WHY in makeup? Creating new DNA is not necessary for my eyes, thanks!)
- TEA free (which is basically alcohol)

And it makes your lashes SUPER long, which is great! I use up mascara really quickly - we're talking sometimes every two weeks (I don't get this at all, because I don't feel like a cake-face or anything...but maybe...), and this stuff lasted me almost two months! It made my lashes super soft, and they didn't feel like they were going to fall off afterwards, which is important! Plus my eyes are ridiculously sensitive, and it hasn't irritated them yet. The only thing I don't like about it is that it comes in a kinda stupid looking bottle, which is purple and fake snakeskin, but whatever.

So, if you need new mascara, go to Sephora and get it! I'm such a makeup junkie, and I adore it! It's kinda pricey (it came to $28 after tax), but it's sososososoososo worth it!
http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P111902&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=5648


Sorry bro's, I just had to share this with the world. I feel like it's my job because it's so great =)

In other news, I'm going to buy a gym pass tomorrow, because school ends this week, and I need something to do. Being super fit, here I come! It'll be funny if I ever run into Tony at the gym though aghahhaha. I'd just have to be like "race you?" or something on the treadmill. Whatever, it's not like he's never seen me all sweaty and gross before....Ew. BUT SERIOUSLY. I'm really sad that school's almost over. I've had such a good time in that class, and I've even kind of made a friend! I really love floristry, and I think it's something I'm good at, so I'd really love to be able to take the Level 2 course and the Special Events course in April - but I'm too poor. I'll talk to my grandparents about it, and see if maybe they'll be willing to help a brotha out - because realistically speaking, I could get a job with my Level 1, but I'd be making like, minimum wage, and I'm not down.

But promise promise promise!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

fallinggggggg

I'm falling into that place where I can't be alone again. I feel like most of my close friends don't want to be around me right now, for one reason or another, and I don't get it. Ever since Josh and I stopped being friends, I haven't seen Sophie at all, and I feel like I've hardly seen anyone else. I'm being blown off on an almost daily basis, and it's seriously leading me to have anxiety attacks. Like yesterday, for example, when I burst into tears on the bus home.
I want to be this happy independent person, but I keep finding myself getting stuck and needing people. I'm not sure what "normal" even is in that sense - are human beings supposed to feel this lonely? Are we meant to be on our own, or are we supposed to be surrounded by people?
I know it's partly my fault - I'm working all the time, and I don't have much of a life, but honestly, it's getting pretty defeating when I do try to make plans, and everyone basically tells me to fuck off.

I hate feeling like this. I hate relying on people. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I don't know what to do about it.

To make it all worse, I'm having really big issues with my Mum again - she threatened that if Connor and I don't follow her rules (or something?) she's going to leave us. Straight up abandon her children, with all of the bills and everything; not telling us where she was going, and refusing to come back until we'd made a change. And it scared me. I don't even know what I did wrong, or why she's freaking out so much, but it's hard living in a house where she's on edge all the time. All I can think of doing to make this better is moving out, so that she doesn't leave both of us. So now I have this other stress of finding somewhere to live/someone to live with, which is REALLY HARD when a large majority of your friends won't talk to you. And I'm still working on finding another job, but I don't have time to do that because I'm working too much to ever go apply anywhere.

I'M FREAKING OUT, MAN.

A good thing that has come out of all of this though, is that I'm running again. I haven't gone for a run probably since....the summer, and it's extremely theraputic for me. When I'm upset about something, it's the only healthy thing that can make me feel better - which is awesome cause it's also really good for me. My thighs have turned to shit over the past couple of months, because I've been so lazy, and I need them to be nice again in time for summer!

So I dunno, I'm working on things, and trying my very best to chill out. The wierd thing about all of this is i'm still overall pretty happy, but these things are still somehow managing to drive me over the edge. But money will solve all of my problems, I think, and I'll be okay.

Phew.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

i'd make a sea for you.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
what a hap hap happy day! I just want everyone out there to know that I love them mucho mucho, regardless of if they're alone or coupled today.

But also, kind of a shitty night last night. I'll just copy it from facebook because I don't give enough of a fuck to type it all out all nicely.

11:51amClaire
and uh, jos and i ended our friendship

11:51amEmma
...oh.

11:51amClaire
so, it was kinda a shitty night

11:51amEmma
was it like you had a fight and now never want to see him again or did you legit talk about it and decide to stop being friends

11:51amClaire
we talked about it

11:52amEmma
so.. you just ... aren't friends

11:54amClaire
well, k, basically what happened
he was telling hannah about his tattoo, and we were all baked, so like, people are kinda blunt (lol) when they're baked

11:54amEmma
m

11:56amClaire
and we were just being like, critical in a good way of it, just making sure that he'd thought about it and stuff. (its an inside joke between him and elisa, and i personallyyyyyy see best friend tattoos as just as bad as couple tattoos, because if you were to stop being friends, you'd kick yourself and hate it. and said joke only happened in the summer = less than a year ago)

11:56amEmma
i think %100 that his tattoo is a fully lame idea
but
you know
anyway

11:57amClaire
so we told him this. and he was just like "fuck you guys for hating. you're putting me down and making me feel dumb, that so stupid". and we were like "well no man, we're just saying that you should really think about it, and know for sure that its what you want. and if you REALLY want it, you won't care if people judge you for it"
and like, i didn't tell a lot of people about mine, because i knew people would critisize it, and i didn't want that.

11:58amEmma
m

11:58amClaire
and he just continued to be really mad, even though i tried to explain to him why i was saying what i was saying. and like, maybe it was out of line, but a tattoo's on your body forever, and i think its a dumb idea, so i felt it was my need as a friend to express that

11:59amEmma
yeah

11:59amClaire
then out of the blue (we were alone in his car at this point, and hannah adn colleen were outside blazing) he was like "i don't like chilling with you anymore"

11:59amEmma
whoa

11:59amClaire
and so i was like "uhhhhh WHAT THE FUCK
and he was like "well, we just fight all the time, and it sucks." "dude, i told you this months ago....this isn't news to either of us"

12:00pmEmma
yep

12:01pmClaire
so then i was just like "okay, well, i know why i pick fights with you sometimes, and its because i call you on your shit, and keep you grounded in a sense (or try to, anyway), and i want to keep you levelheaded because i can tell when you're getting over-excited/retarded."
but also like "i don't know why you're mean to me though. i don't do anything to you, nad you're totally verbally abusive to me. and other people have noticed and talked to me about it, and its bullshit"
and he was like "i do it because its easy"
so i flipped out

12:02pmEmma
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
WHOA
WHOA
that is some bullshit

12:03pmClaire
yeah
so i was like "k well, WHAT THE FUCK kind of friend is mean to his friends because he can? or because its easy?! thats bullshit and terrible and i don't want to be friends with you if you're going to be like that"
so he was all "i dunno. its just like., i dunno. like the way a kindergartner is....i just do it because i'm used to it. and i don't want to stop"

12:04pmEmma
what the fuck?

12:05pmClaire
and i just sat there in shock for like, a minute. and didn't speak and held back tears. then was like "okay, well, i don't want to be friends with someone who has the maturity of a kindergartner"
then he cut me off and was like "OMG CLAIRE. I'M SO BAKED. HOLY SHIT."
and i got out of the car. and that was the end. then he left.

12:06pmEmma
.....what the fuck?
honestly
holy jesus

12:06pmClaire
yep
so
that was the end of that
peace out like, most important person in my life.




Happy 'tines, guys!
fuck my life.

(cool band in postsecret video http://www.myspace.com/donora )

Monday, February 8, 2010

RANT

Dear J,


I feel like you don't respect me at all. We argue all the time over nothing, because you, or I, or both of us start unnecessary arguments and are unable to finish them, and it's starting to wear me out.
You put me down constantly, both when we're alone and in public/around people, and I don't understand why. You're supposed to be the person who I'm closest to, and who said he'd always be there for me - making me feel like shit isn't making me feel like those are true statements at all.
When you're not doing that, you're trying to get me to have sex with you, which I've told you multple times I'm not interested in. I wish you could think of me as something more than just a piece of familiar ass, and instead as a person, with feelings and thoughts and morals. It shouldn't be hard to accept "no" as an answer, especially if you want to keep me as your friend.
When I reject you, you get angry at me, and snap. Then you'll say things like "okay, whatever." or "okay, bye" until I drop the subject or leave. Then the next day you act as though nothing happened. Well, J, something did happen, and I'm not willing to let you treat me like that anymore. If you want to be my friend, and have me in your life, you need to smarten the fuck up, because at this point I'm ready to drop you like a ton of fucking bricks.

I've grown up and moved on. It's time that you do the same thing, too.
I feel like I've wasted so many minutes waiting for you to change and treat me the way I deserve, and I'm finally done trying.

Friday, February 5, 2010

i might just be a huge bitch, but....

I've started to really detest some of my friends when they're under the influence. I don't know exactly what it is, but I think it's just the fact that some of them become unmanageable so quickly, they're hard to deal with. I probably sound like a huge douchebag right now, because I'm high on a weed brownie, but I feel like I'm somehow different than some of them. I feel that I can handle myself pretty easily, and I can get things done when I have to - it's not hard for me to make a plan and follow through with it, and for some of them that's like, the hardest thing in the world to do.

I also feel like there's more judgement and criticism among people who are fucked up. It's so easy to say really terrible thing to people, and think nothing of it. Like tonight, I was complaining about how I sometimes feel put down by this one person in particular, and it's upsetting me a lot, and Josh responded by saying: "well, a lot of people do that to you, sooooo.....". It shocked me. Why is that acceptable? How is that in any way a good excuse? He didn't even realize that what he'd said could be hurtful. Then he said: "well, I don't really do it to you that much, so don't bitch at me about it."
that much still = something, and something is bad enough on it's own.


I just hate that people have a reason to be jerks.

fuck.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4MXFOMpVIw
really down for this song right now.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

need a man who likes it rough

I got two e-mails from people who want me to AuPair for them yesterday! Promise promise promise! I love when my life shows promise!
The only thing is, I'm starting to get my guard up about scams when it comes to stuff like this - I've heard so many horror stories about people getting there and realizing that the situation was totally not legit at all.

What do you guys think?

"Hello Au-pair,
My name is Dr Paul Clinton, i stay in London with my wife and 3kids.
I just read your profile and i want you to be our aupair, i want someone that will take them to school and bring them back, and some time you will help and teach them what is good and right.
As regard to your accommodation you will have your own private room in my house, and for your travel arrangement i will contact the British Embassy here in London on how i can process your document for you to start work with my family as soon as possible.
You can reach me on my personal mobile to indicate your interest. My Number is +447045754032 or drpaulclintin@gmail.com
Here i attach my family photos
We sincerely look forward to hearing from you.
Best Wishes
Dr Paul Clinton."


Sketchy? Not sketchy? I can't tell if it's a language barrier or just like....him sucking at life. I DON'T KNOW. Regardless, I need to look into it more. I was looking at certified and approved AuPair agencies on the Better Business Bureau website today, and I found a couple that seem a bit better than the ones I've been using, so I'm going to sign up for them. I can't wait to get out of here!

Work is getting boring to the point that I almost really can't handle it. We're so slow all the time, there's nothing to do, and I feel so stunted. You can only re-arrange puzzles so many times before you want to shoot yourself in the head. I can't wait until the stupid Olympics are over so I can apply to do something else. I want to be a florist, now!

Photos from lately!


After Raina's exam = shitfaced. I love her! She's the best big sister I could ever have!


So dark and mysterioussssss.


I think I did a good job on this arrangement itself, I'm just really not a big fan of birds of paradise. They were lame to work with, they stink, and are really harsh looking. Call me super girly, but I like leafy, petally flowers, like daisies and stuff - these are "handsome", as my teacher called them. EFF HANDSOME I WANT PRETTY.
But I guess that's an important thing to know about any kind of paid art: it doesn't matter what you like, it matters what the customer likes - and if the customer wants a vertical arrangement of birds of paradise, hell, I'm gonna give it to them!


rawrrrrrr

Sunday, January 31, 2010

you don't need to know what i do all day.

Today's one of those days. One of those stupid fucking days where there is so much drama going on from all sides, it's almost unbearable. Relationships are shitty for almost everyone I've talked to, and not a whole ton is working out.

I had that talk with Beau today. Long story short he apologized and cried a bunch, which made me cry a lot too. Apparently he misses me and (still) thinks about me everyday, which is why he wanted to meet up with me in the first place. He wants to have me in his life, and he wants us to be friends - which I said no to. I don't want him in my life, I don't need him, and I know that he's only going to hold me back. Just the same, it was a painful experience. It's hard seeing someone that you love (or should I say, used to love) and look them in the eye after they hurt you so badly. The stupid part of me that always pulls me back to him was pulling hard today, and it was hard to stay away. He has some kind of a hold on me that I don't understand. Manipulation is a terrible thing.

I also asked him if he was in love with Alaina, and he said yes.He hasn't told her yet, but he's pretty sure that she knows. That made me almost cry more, too, even though it was something I already knew.


This is what I look like right now! Oh how pretty!
(I love spending my afternoon's in tears.)


More than ever, I need to get out of this city. I need a fucking break.

songs of the moment:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsnNDtO6inw
Vagabond - Wolfmother
This is my favorite part of (500) Days of Summer, and it's also one of my favorite songs. Period.

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqMgUI7XQ3k
Paper Gangsta - Lady Gaga
I love gaga, I'm not going to lie to any of you.

3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssdgFoHLwnk
Skinny Love - Bon Iver
If you ever wanna cry, this is the song to do it to. It makes me think of failed love, which is kind of, oh um, the story of my life right now.
(this song pretty prefectly describes how I feel about Beau, actually)

4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCwgLf1EkSU
Hell - Tegan and Sara
Cause a little bit of T+S goes a long way.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

i need love.

a la la la la!

Qu'est-ce-que se passent dans ma vie au moment? (note to self: that took far too long to type out - must practice my french)
Nothing nothing nothing nothing!

Well, I was in a hair show for Raina's final exam last night, which was fun times. I sat in a chair for a lot of hours, but got my hair and makeup done for free! Then we went to her boyfriend's apartment to get drunk, and, HOLY SHIT..NICEST PLACE EVER. It actually blew my mind more than anything else from last night did. I want to be 27, have my own company, and own a $15,000 bathtub in an apartment on Pacific and Georgia, and think nothing of it. Sheesh.

But um, I'm kind of bored with my life. I feel like I'm kind of at a stand-still right now, and I don't like it. I want to move out, but I want to Au-Pair. I want to make more money, but I can't apply for another job until the Olympics are over (when there will be no jobs). I want to get the fuck out, but I need a passport to do that. I want to go to school, but now I'm re-thinking my options (apparently BCIT has a really good program, too).

I want so many things, its hard to concentrate on just one.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

hey, realization!

Boys are stupid! Who needs them?! Not I, thats for sure.

Seriously, I give up with this whole finding a boy thing. I mean, in the whole "me trying and putting myself out there and failing miserably thing" - pretty much done with that.

Instead, I'll keep checking the "I Saw You" ads in the Georgia Straight in hopes that some random on the street thought I was cute. (and also be super happy for all the people who actually ARE on the website, like Simon! ( http://straight.com/isawyou/ad/vancouver/granville-island-leather-jacket )


Sigh!

In other news, I'm actually good at this whole floristry thing, and that makes me super happy!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

juicy pants

I was downtown today, going present shopping for my Mum (she's turning 50 tomorrow - what the fuck!), and a guy stopped me on the street. He was tall and cute, and tolerably hipster, and he asked me where the nearest bars were. (lol we were on Granville and Robson...dummy!)
Long story short, he basically asked me out for a drink, and I was so flustered because I had to rush home, that I didn't even realize what he was doing! I'm so stuuuuupid!
It's especially stupid because I've been on a secret search for new boys, and I had a legitimate thing which stopped me from fulfilling it.


I'm a dink.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

ugh

I had all this fucking faith.
And all this stupid hope.

I don't really understand what I did wrong, or how the fuck this happened, or what the fuck he was told.
But I'm really confused and unhappy right now.
I think I at least deserve an explanation.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

gotta reach my telephone!

Things are continuing to get better!

1) I applied for school today! Yeah, it wasn't Cap to start my event planning career (which I also really have to apply for..SOON), it's for something, almost, in a teeny way, better. I'M TAKING FLORISTRY CLASSES! It sounds gay, but I'm super excited. I've wanted to do this pretty much since I worked at Lush, when Kat and I used to do all the arrangements for the masks. I love flowers, I love colours, I love making things pretty, and this is perfect! It was less than $200 to enroll, and I'm starting next Wednesday!
It's also cool because after every class I get to take my arrangemen home, so I'm always going to have a fresh supply of flowers!

2) I found my stupid birth certificate! It's been lost pretty much since the summer, and I haven't been able to do a lot of things without it - like get a passport or B.C i.d so I could be a human. It's been scary thinking that I was nothing in terms of the world. So yeah, now I can go and get some real identification, which should make travelling easier!

Now all I have to do is seriously look more into this AuPairing buisness, and get going!

I really like being excited for things that are big, because it makes me forget about the small things that are really secretly driving me insane.

<3 <3 <3

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

it's been a while, now you've come back in style.

SO
I've decided on some things. They're not really big things or anything, but I've come to a realization about what's realistic for this year.

1) paying for school all by myself/saving enough to make a difference is not going to happen. If I want to be able to do that, I'd have to put away my entire paycheques, and that's just not going to happen. I'm going to have to get a student loan/rely on my grandparents.

2) I need to get the fuck out of Vancouver. I've been looking into AuPair agencies, and seeing if I can find a placement somewhere. I'd like to go to Ireland, Switzerland, England, Italy or France or something, for 3-6 months. Now all I have to do is get my passport all good to go....

This one totally ties into #2, but whatever
3)I'm going on a roadtrip! I'm going to make it happen! I told myself I'd go out to Alberta for spring break because that's around the time that my nephew is due, but now I'm thinking of pushing it to April or May so that Josh and Sophie can come with. We'd pretty much quit our jobs to do it, which is kind of scary, but also amazing. Then we'd go out to Winnipeg to go visit Ruby and go clubbing and stuff! I'm soooo excited! I really hope that it wasn't just a super stoned plan though, because I genuinely really truly want this to happen - and I'm going out to see my nephew no matter what.

Things are good!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

there goes the fear

This has been the first new years where I've felt totally different after the clock stuck midnight (very a-la Cinderella, if I do say so myself), wierd, hey?
But I'm so happy with everything! So much shit is just done now, and I can move on to bigger and better things, which is the biggest relief in the whole world.

I like a boy.
He's not old or rude or an asshole in any way.
He's nice and talented and he calls me pretty. I like spending time with him.
This happened at midnight.

I'm happy, guys.

Other than that, I don't know whats up. My life isn't much else. I'm so smitten I'm stuuuupid.